Getting to know James, contemplating our conflicting religions, trying to figure out if we have a future together...
My first husband, Ian, didn’t believe in God, but we still celebrated Christmas. I even cut down my first Christmas tree with him. According to him, I was too “religious.” But the truth is I’ve always been more spiritual than religious - seeking truth, trying to understand God and people, never simply following the rules and reciting prayers and rituals by rote. In my mind, “religious” is doing things the way they’re supposed to be done, without asking why. It’s a lot of shoulds and shouldn’ts. There are religious Jews, Christians, Catholics, Mormons, Muslims, even atheists. That’s not me.
But I’ve always been interested in religion, faith, humanity, and understanding the divine power that to me is undeniable on this earth and in each of us. I guess that’s one reason my first marriage didn’t last long. How could I be with someone who doesn’t even believe there’s a God, when I see the evidence of His amazing handiwork everywhere I look - in a baby’s smile, a patch of grass, a bird’s song, the kindness of people, the tiny miracles of everyday life?
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I make sure James understands that I’ve been married and divorced already, and that even if I hadn’t, I never even considered saving sex for marriage. I tell him a little bit about Ian, and he reveals that he’s recently broken up with a girl named Janie, the first girlfriend he’d had since high school, when he decided to swear off dating in favor of mountain biking.
As soon as we start talking about past relationships, I’m struck with the absolute certainty that this handsome 26-year-old, 6’4” man is a virgin.
“Did you have sex with Janie?” I ask, already knowing the answer.
“No.”
“Have you ever had sex?”
“No.”
“Are you waiting for marriage?” I ask, knowing he is.
“Yes,” James says, breathing a sigh of relief and looking at me with a bewildered expression, his eyes asking, “How on earth could you have guessed that?”
I know because this conversation is like a déjà vu of another conversation 10 years ago with Lewis, a Christian guy I dated briefly in college. It’s because of Lewis that I even know this is still a thing people do: saving themselves for marriage in the name of Jesus.