The Episode I Never Published

This one's a little different.

I was going back through my episode archive recently and found a recording I had never published — something I recorded right before I took a hiatus from the podcast a couple of years ago. I listened back and thought, you know what, this is worth sharing.

It's just me, reflecting on a New Year and everything that was happening in my life at the time. A divorce. A new nursing career I was finding harder than I expected. A breast cancer reconstruction journey I was finally completing. A plate so full I didn't know what to put down. And a word — release — that I chose to guide me through all of it.

Some of the things I talk about in this episode:

• My three step process for navigating change: Refresh, Renew, Relate
• Why release became my word of the year and what it meant in both directions — letting go and letting out
• The case for amicable divorce and why I feel strongly about it
• How life decisions are more a process of elimination than selection
• What completing breast reconstruction taught me about being a work in progress and a work of art at the same time
• Why January feels less like a sprint and more like the start of a marathon

It's an earlier version of where I am now in a lot of ways. But I think you'll find something in it that resonates.

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Transcript

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today's episode is a little different. I was looking back through all my previous episodes, and I have over 50 now. Pretty exciting because this has been a project that at first was inconsistent and then took a complete hiatus for a couple of years. And then I started back just about six months ago And I've been consistently publishing every Wednesday at 5 AM which isn't always easy. But anyway, I was looking back through all my episodes, and I found one that had been recorded but never published. I had recorded it right before I decided to take a little break from the podcast, and, just decided not to publish it for whatever reason. So I decided to listen to it the other day, and I thought that I actually had some pretty good things to say. Similar to what I'm saying now, but almost like an earlier version of my thought process on some things, and I thought you might like to take a listen. So here you go. Let me know what you think. Welcome back to Piece of Work with Danielle Tantone. I am your host, Danielle Tantone, and today it's just me. It's our New Year's edition, and I just thought I'd chat about some things that are going on in my life and that I thought might be interesting and helpful to others. So where to start? So we're right now, as I'm recording this, in the very first week of the new year. It's actually Friday of New Year's week, so New Year's Day was Monday, I believe. And it's been a very reflective and relaxing week for me. I say that. I worked Sunday, Monday, Tuesday on my night shift job at the hospital so it wasn't all relaxing. But the last several days I've been taking to just refresh, renew, relate, which is my little three-part process for kind of figuring out what's next. And as I've entered this new year I like to, as many people have been doing over the last several years, I like to think of a word that reflects what I'm hoping for in the new year. Last year in 2023, I chose two words that kind of were two sides of the same coin. It was intuitive and intentional, and I really, my soon-to-be ex-husband actually was just laughing at me about, "You can't even pick one word," and it's kinda true. But the truth is I just, I liked the combination of those two words 'cause I wanted to be both intuitive and listening to my body in terms of health and eating and what to do with life, what choices to make. I wanted to focus on being intuitive and really listening to my body and my heart and God and w- whatever, messages I was receiving, but I also wanted to be intentional about, those same things. Health is a good example. I think that it's so easy to get caught up on, I have to follow this diet and this exercise program, and we can get really obsessive about it, and it's not always very effective. I've found for me, the best thing is to just eat and exercise in a way that is intuitive to me. But at the same time, you have to be intentional. If you just follow your feelings on everything, you might never, I probably still would work out, 'cause I actually do really enjoy waking up and getting my body moving. It feels really good. But a lot of people wouldn't. You you do need to be intentional and set your intentions and set your goals. So I liked those two words. And I'd say I was pretty successful at, keeping them in mind and allowing them to lead my year. Not every moment was I intuitive or intentional. But for the most part, I think that it was a, it was quite a year for me. A lot happened in the year. A lot of changes. The way I saw the year going at the beginning of the year and where it ended up were pretty far apart. Sometimes it was a good reminder that you just, you really don't know what's coming and what circumstances you're gonna have in your life, and all you can do is be present and be wise and be open and be loving and embrace, just surrender to what it is and just try to figure out the best way to be in every situation. So yeah 2023 was quite, quite a doozy for me. At the beginning of the year, I was thinking that I was gonna be free. I had quit my job at the hospital and I was just gonna do some independent contracting as a nurse doing in infusions. And then I was also doing... Had my Medicare business, and I had this podcast, and I had my book that I had recently published, and I was excited about marketing that. And I was like, I was really excited about being an entrepreneur and just not having a boss and being, being free to explore where I wanted to go professionally. And then that all changed when I was offered a job that was too good, too good to turn down at another hospital, and I decided to take the job, and it had a sign-on bonus and all that. So I I took that job again, working night shift, even though I said I would never do it. And so that changed things quite a bit because, as somebody who is very entrepreneurial and very passionate about a lot of different things and has m- my hands and my body doing a lot of different things it's not easy to work within the hospital system and, clocking in, clocking out, I was gonna say two 15-minute breaks and a 30-minute lunch, but very rarely never do we get that, actually. So 12-hour shifts with no breaks is more, more like the reality of it. But a very rewarding job nonetheless. But also a job that I've really struggled with. It's not easy to be in your 40s starting a new career that, especially one that has so many technical aspects very tangible physical skills that, that you need to master, and multiple very, heavy and important decisions to be made in a quick fashion, a lot of emergency situations, so it's been not an easy road, and I'm There are some things, there are some ways that I'm a really good nurse just naturally. It really fits me, and there are other things that I am not naturally good at, and that's been really hard for me. It's hard to, it's hard to keep doing something that you're like, "Gosh, I'm just struggling with this." And then, so it's been a road. It's been a journey. And then, m- my marriage making the decision to, to divorce my husband and after nine years of marriage, and it's been a, it had been a It was never an easy marriage from day one but he's probably my best friend and still probably is. We have a lot in common, and we really s- see and understand each other in a way that nobody else does I think on both sides. And so it's been a tough decision, and yet I think it's absolutely been a w- right decision for me. So that, that's been interesting. I moved out onto my, into my own house in October, and that was har- it's been hard and challenging and also just peaceful and wonderful to be able to just, figure out what I want, what I, who I wanna be, w- what type of home I wanna have. And it's felt very peaceful, and there's been a tremendous lightening, lessening of stress because when you have, when you're in a relationship that's stressful, that permeates your, all your days and all your moments and all your life. Even though you love that person, it's your body holds onto that stress. And, I've noticed I lost 10 pounds without changing anything really. I ha- had already been working out. I started working out in July at F45. I've always worked out, and I've always gone to the gym and hiked and run. Over the years, I've... my activities may have changed, but I've always been an active person on one level or another. And so I... but I started working out at F45 stands for Functional 45. It's a wonderful studio. It's a combination of CrossFit a lot of different things, but I just... it really fits me. You go there. It's a 45-minute workout. It's different every day. You don't really have to think. You're just... y- it's almost like group personal training. And it's... I've been looking for something for the last several years and hadn't really found something that, that fit me really well and this had. So I was already on a health journey, kinda getting back into shape, but still holding onto these extra 10 pounds that I... And I kinda had just resigned myself that, "Okay, this is just what my body looks like in my 40s. It's just a little bit wider." But when I moved out, it just immediately started just slimming down just shedding... I think it's inflammation and stress that, ha- caused me to hold onto that extra weight. And what's interesting is that, really, the stress is still there. There there's a lot of stressful things still happening. We have our house that, we're underwater on that we're trying to short sell. We have... I, I have a tremendous amount of financial stress being, now on my own and, still supporting two households at the moment. But just not having that day-to-day relationship stress has been very interesting. And what's really great and such a blessing is that Mike and I are still... have been able to so far, and I hope that it stays forever, we've been able to stay really good friends. It's been... Not every moment has been perfect, but we've been beyond amicable really there for each other. And that was just, that was like my greatest hope, and that was, at other times during our marriage when I've thought about divorce and thought maybe it was the best thing for everyone, I wasn't sure we'd be able to do that, and I'm so grateful that because of the timing and our, m- emotional maturity and just where we each were, that we've been able to do that. I, I, like wanna become an advocate for amicable divorce because I think... I've been talking about this a lot lately. I just think it's so much better for everyone involved, and I think we really... a lot of my friends that I've seen go through divorce and just, obviously people in the media and entertainers, we can just destroy each other. And this is somebody that you once loved, that you once wanted to spend your whole life with, and now, for whatever reason, you guys are parting ways. But especially if you have kids, this person is still gonna be in your life for the rest of your life most likely. And if you can find a way to do it peacefully and to communicate peacefully and to just co-parent peacefully, it makes such a huge difference. And I've been able to do that over the last 10 years with my older girls, with my previous ex, and that's been wonderful. We've had some situations where we had to come together and co-parent, and thankfully we mostly see eye to eye on parenting. And so that, that's been okay. He and I were never buddy-buddy by any means but it's been a peaceful, amicable co-parenting situation with him and his wife and with, me and Mike. And, Mike and I were always more volatile as people. Just we're more passionate. We're more argumentative. Part of the reason why our marriage was so hard. But I think that Mike and I really hopefully will be even... We'll stay c- actual friends, like I hope. We'll see. There's definitely hard days and hard things that, it's not easy for him to see me start dating and those kind of things. But I think that we both really love each other as humans even though- At least in my opinion we were not good for each other in a marriage. And I, probably should have realized that a long time ago. But anyway, so that, I didn't... That went off on a tangent that I actually wasn't even on my list here. But yeah, amicable divorce I think i- is really important. We've, we actually ended up being featured in this Wall Street Journal article about divorcing couples having, being forced to live together because of the real estate market, and that led to a couple of other media outlets reaching out and wanting to interview us. And I tried really hard to parlay that into talking about, just how to be amicable in divorce, and really they just wanted to sensationalize the whole divorce process and having to be miserable together living in this house, and that's, that was not our situation. But anyway, that was an interesting few s- several weeks actually over the last... Right before the holidays that all happened. So then we had the holidays, and that's crazy navigating that, g- while n- being newly single and everything. So the new year. So last year I told you my words were intuitive and intentional. Those were good words. This year, I chose something different. I was able to come up with one word, and it is release. And I love words that have double meanings or multiple meanings. Just like my book, Piece of Work. We're all a work in a piece of work, a work in progress, and a work of art. I love how the word work has multiple meanings. But I think release is another word where it's a both, a negative and a positive. So you release the negative things like the stress and the anxiety and the desire to constantly please everyone and the worry and the You release bad things. You release extra pounds. You release toxins. You release the bad stuff, but you also release your goodness, release your joy, release your kindness, release your soul. And it mean, it's like the same word and it means two different things. One you're letting go, throwing away, and one you're letting out, showing, shining. So I thought that was a really cool word for somebody who likes m- words with multiple meanings. And just like letting go, letting myself be, releasing this tendency to try to be everything to everyone and try to be what I think I'm supposed to be and make the choices that I'm supposed to make and release me and be who I really am. And, who are we really? I've been on a journey of trying to figure out what, who I am and what I believe for a long time. My whole memoir was about that. But y- and it's never over, as long as you're still living you're still on that journey. But, so yeah, I think more than other people I have a tendency to be really reflective and really open to changing my beliefs and kind of my worldview and My thoughts on things. So I wanted to talk about my process of refresh, renew, relate. I've brought it up a couple times on some previous podcast episodes, but I came up with this three-step process for navigating any change or decision loss, diagnosis, anything. And I, again, like the words, I love words that have meaning. So refresh, I think... First of all, I think of a computer. When you refresh the screen, refresh the browser you're getting any new- you're taking in any new information that, that, that might have come in while you were asleep. You also might, turn it off, shut it down, and restart it. So that's one meaning of refresh. It also means cooling off. If you're hot you might get a jump in the pool to refresh yourself. You might pour a- an icy drink. So I love that word, refresh. So I think that's the first step. When you're kinda faced with something where you're not sure or you're feeling overwhelmed or you're, faced with a decision and you don't know what you want or what the right thing to do is just refresh. That could be taking a nap. That could be doing some mindfulness practice meditation. That could be going for a walk. Whatever it is that helps you refresh, just like that computer screen. And I think that whenever we do that, we see that there is kinda new information or new ways of seeing the information around us. And then renew. Renew is, a little bit along the same lines. But it's after you refresh, then you can renew your- You renew your beliefs, renew your thoughts on the subject. So after you refresh, you can look at it anew, and you feel a renewed sense of energy or joy or wisdom about it. My phone's ringing. Turn that off. So refresh, renew, and then relate. The relate I like because I think that's really important to, because we're all connected. None of us is an island, and so how does it relate to other things and other people in your life? And I'm talking really general here, but I think that those three words, if you keep them in mind when you're trying to contemplate anything, they can be really helpful. So I, I always try to do that. So as I'm, approaching this new year, I do always... I do love the new year. I do love a fresh start. I love, And this isn't... I heard something interesting that I've felt for a long time, but I just heard it the other day in a coaching community that I'm part of, that the new year, the time of year that we are in, is actually not a really, not really a re- a time of renewal. It's the middle of winter. It's not really, it's not the harvest. It's not the spring. It's a strange time to have a new year and to have this, bold, jumpstart. So but I like that and there's other times of the year that maybe are more of a, more, that lend themselves more naturally to this kind of restart, like the spring. Or even, in the Jewish New Year, we do that in the fall, and September has always felt like a, definitely like a new year, like a restart to me because of, first of all, my birthday's in September the, obviously the Jewish New Year, and then also starting school in France they call it la rentrée, like the re-entrance into life after the summer break 'cause they all go out of town the whole month of August. Unfortunately, we here in Arizona start school at the beginning of August. So ridiculous when it's so hot here. That's a whole 'nother, a whole 'nother episode. But yeah, so even though there are other times of the year that really lend themselves better to a restart, I still love the new year. I love the, I love January. I love the fresh calendar turning over, starting fresh. And but I've always felt like more like a ramping up, more of a relaxing start and this was just, Confirmed, by, by Cathy Heller, a coach that I'm part of her community. So we were talking about, she was talking about this in our community coaching yesterday and I was like, "Yes, that's exactly how I've been feeling," is very reflective, very contemplat- contemplative. Not so much let's go. And as I'm talking it out right now, I'm realizing that's actually if you're running a marathon, which I have ran several. It's been about 10 years since I've run a marathon. But when you're running a marathon, you don't just start off the gate like, it's not a sprint. You don't start fast. You're actually... That was something I struggled with, is sometimes st- wanting to start too fast. You actually, you start slow. Slow and steady, and it's not till the end that you lay it all on the track. So it actually is a perfect, for January. It's like starting a marathon. You're, you're getting going So yeah, so I've been really reflective about what I want. I like this idea of release and just trying to really be... And also, as anyone who's followed me knows, I've had a lot on my plate finan- career-wise over the last several years. And it's been kinda hard to know like I, I've, I felt like I need to release some- something or some- several somethings 'cause there's too much, but I haven't known what to release. And so that's one thing I've been thinking of is just, what do I wanna keep on my plate? 'Cause I can't... I'm only one person. I can only do so many things well, and so that's been, something I'm still working through. I don't have the answers, but that might be something that you're contemplating as you start the new year is maybe a career change. And so one thing I've been thinking about a lot lately as... And it applies in a number of different realms. When I used to do, when I w- used to practice real estate full-time, I would tell my buyers who were b- who were buying a home that buying a home is a, is more of a process of elimination than a process of selection. I I heard that from some- one of my bosses, one of the, my managers at, when I first started in real estate in New York City. I don't remember who it was, unfortunately, so I can't give credit. But yeah, so it's more of a process of elimination than selection. So what that means is there's hundreds of homes, thousands of homes. You're... You can't just go and select the r- the right one. You have to just look at several and find ways in, find ways to eliminate them until there's one that's you don't have too much to eliminate it on. And that's the case with a lot of things. I th- I've found that with dating, too, especially with these apps, the way they're... I've only done a little bit of research into these apps. But they're, they present you with one option at a time, one, one person at a time, and you either have to swipe left or right. I forget which one means what, but one way means you're eliminating them, and one way means you're keeping them as a possibility. And That's interesting to me. So it's again you can't-- you're not looking at the whole-- you can't see all of them. You don't know what all your choices are. You're just looking at one at a time, and you're e- and you're either eliminating or keeping them in the running. And then once you have a group of people in the running, you're either, you're finding-- you're just basically, it's a process of elimination And sometimes you're-- the choice or the person that you end up hanging out with is different than you would have thought that they than who you would have thought you'd pick, but so that's been fun. And that's can be the case for me. I've been thinking in that same process with my career because I, in addition to my full-time nursing job, I have many things that I've been exploring on the side. I do have a Medicare business. I have this podcast. I have my book. And then I have a couple of nursing PRN, side jobs that I've been either looking into or starting. I was considering doing getting training to do injections and do aesthetic nursing which is a really big field a lot of people are interested in. But I was able to just have a conversation today with somebody who teaches a course that I was thinking of taking, and I was like, "You know what? I've just been able to just rule that out, to eliminate that choice for now." It's probably something I'll do down the road, but I have too many other things on my plate and, because of the cost and the, just the prospects of a job afterward I'm gonna eliminate that for now. And sometimes I think that's all we can do. We don't have all the answers, and we don't ever know all the choices. So we just take things as they come and say, "Okay, was this-- does this fit? Does this fit where I'm wanting to go now at this point in my life?" So let's see. I think that's, those are the main things that have been going on in my life. Like I said I'm contemplating health and fitness, dating, divorce, career, nursing, a book. I'd love to write some more, and that hasn't fit in my life a whole lot over the last year, and I need/want to make it fit. I'm a creator, and I love writing, and I love... I have so many books that I want to write, and I just have not made the space for that. I just, I've been too busy. And so I'd like to be less busy and make space for that 'cause it's a very important part of who I am. The other, only other subject that I, that's been really forefront in my mind has been the breast cancer journey as I've completed the reconstruction process of my breasts after a double mastectomy. I did go ahead and get the nipple areola tattoos about a month ago, I think, and it's absolutely amazing. I have no idea why I waited so long. I do. I do know why I waited so long. There was so many practical reasons, and it's just the way it worked out, and it was perfect the way it ended up. But it is so amazing how important and how cool it is to look in the mirror and look like I really have breasts because I didn't realize how much I missed them until I have them back. And it's just really amazing how they look after how they looked along that journey. It definitely is a picture of life. They... After the double mastectomy, they were bruised and, scarred and taped and misshapen, and I have so many pictures and videos of just- Just scary looking things on my chest that I didn't know if they would ever look like breasts again. So it's empowering and very cool. And, I think a lot of people, because I've posted a few things on social media, I agreed to I agreed to be, to allow my pictures and videos to be shared for promotional purposes for the woman who did the tattoos. And then I've posted some on my own social media, and, it's very easy for people to be like, "Wow, you just put yourself out there and you just want attention," and that's not it. It's been very neat to see how it really does help people. I, almost minutes after posting the picture, I received a call from a, kind of a friend more of an acquaintance that, but I'm s- connected with on social media and wanting help or advice for somebody who was just diagnosed with cancer. And just other people that are like, "Oh, wow, I didn't know you could do that," and that's amazing that, So I think that I feel like To me I'm helping people in my way. And, not everybody understands the way I live my life out loud like that, the way I share my story and my per- very personal parts of my story. But I know it's been helpful to people, so it's, it is important to me. So I'm not gonna probably stop doing that. But I was thinking ab- about just, yeah, how the, that those images of my breasts as they were reconstructed can be, just... Sorry. I always have allergies, so my nose is always itchy. Can be representative of a life, just we're a work in progress, and then we're becoming a work of art, and we're a work of art the whole way through, even when we're a mess. So we're all a piece of work, a work in progress, and a work of art. If you haven't read the book yet, it's still available on Amazon. It's available in all formats. We've got, I got a e-book, we have a paperback hardcover, and the audiobook, which is actually my favorite. I know a lot of people love to hold a book and read a book, but the audiobook's read by me, and I think that's the best way to kinda really feel like you're living the story. And it's a beautiful, messy story, but I think it's, People have l- have enjoyed reading and listening to it, that is all I've got for you today. Thank you for listening, and if you could please subscribe, and review the show on Apple or on Spotify or wherever you're listening, it means so much to me, and it helps other people find this podcast so that, hopefully my message can get out to a greater audience. Thanks again